


eric, i want a divorce

by poppyharris



Category: Columbine - Fandom
Genre: M/M, im sorry, john i want a divorce AU, no i’m genuinely really sorry about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 12:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21374326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppyharris/pseuds/poppyharris
Summary: have y’all ever seen that video john i want a divorceyeah i’m sorry
Relationships: Eric Harris/Dylan Klebold
Kudos: 10





	eric, i want a divorce

“eric, i want a divorce,” dylan deadpanned, staring straight ahead.

eric’s arm tightened a little around his husband, desperately trying to stifle his giggles.

“it’s not funny eric, and you know it’s been coming for a long time,” dylan let out a shuddering breath, trying to hold back his urge to punch eric.

“well... divorce-,” eric couldn’t stop the laugh that left him that time, tightening his grip on dylan’s arm.

“why do you always laugh when i’m upset?” dylan snapped, scrunching up his nose. if he’d been a little more immature, he would’ve stomped his foot.

eric looked up at dylan, the laugh still resonating through him. “oh, every time you say divorce you look so cute.”

“i’m serious this time, eric,” dylan snapped, balling his fists.

“serious...” eric pondered the word for a second, finally managing to stop the snorts.

“i’m absolutely serious. and you’re treating this like it’s some kind of game. i’m tired of it, eric,” dylan contributed to stare straight ahead, barely feeling comforted by eric’s hand anymore.

eric raised an eyebrow, looking up at his husband again. “we love games...”

dylan huffed. “not anymore. not your kind of games. your games are cruel.”

eric looked down, finally having the decency to look a little sad. but the large laugh that left him ruined it. “divorce! ha!”

dylan finally did stamp his foot, clenching his fists again. “stop laughing!” he yelled. “this isn’t funny, things haven’t been working out for a long time and every time i try to talk to you about it you laugh. so i’m not laughing anymore with you and i’m not playing these games and the lawyer is coming tomorrow. he’s gonna drop the papers and that’ll be it. we’re going our separate ways.”

eric dug his nails into dylan’s arm, his eyebrows furrowing as he considered the situation for a moment. “oh, no no no no no no. can’t go no…” he began to laugh again, starting to wheeze. can’t go separate ways. no no no can’t go separate ways. it’s just not... it’s just not...”

dylan looked down at eric, raising his eyebrow. “it’s just not what?”

“well, you know i...”

“i don’t know! just say what you mean!” dylan felt his blood boil, desperately trying to keep his temper in check.

“well it’s hard to talk about… you know,” eric looked away, looking down a little, before starting to laugh again.

“it’s hard for you to talk about anything. when is the last time we had a conversation… 15 years! and all i’ve heard from you is laughter,” dylan started to chew on his bottom lip, desperately trying to think. eric’s laughter didn’t help. “every time I want to be serious.”

eric finally stopped laughing, looking a little disturbed. “well... it’s hard it’s hard it’s hard. you know i...,” he sighed a little. “i think of us as… oh i don’t know... okay, two oysters, two oysters. raw oysters! oh, and you’re the pearl, you’re the pearl. and, i’m just this oyster that just doesn’t ever know how to tell you how much he loves you. so, i go around the fish chase me, and you laugh and... i don’t know, it kinda seems like that’s the only way i can tell you how much you mean to me...”

dylan raised an eyebrow, clearly showing his confusion. 

“i know you gotta know what i mean. i know you used to be… you’d look at me and laugh and…” eric sighed, rubbing dylan’s arm gently.

“that was when we were younger, eric. we’re not young anymore. you used to be funny, you used to make me laugh. now you just… use these jokes as a way to stay away from me. that to- to not tell me how you really feel,” dylan sighed softly, looking down at eric, starting to chew on his lip again.

eric thought about dylan’s words for a moment. “so, you mean i’m like ehm… reruns...?”

dylan nodded. “exactly.”

there was a period of silence, before eric began to speak.

“well… okay... let me see,” he thought for a moment, before beginning to laugh, but quickly stopping when he heard dylan’s sigh. “i know, i know, i know, i know, i know. here’s the way i feel. do you remember that ponderosa episode -i don’t know it was- 60? 63? paul came home. long day on the range. hop sing had not even started cooking dinner.” dylan began to smile, knowing exactly what eric was talking about. “paul was mad. the boys weren’t home. the boys were gonna be mad when they got home, and you know paul, he likes to feel responsible. and he said to hop sing, he said: “hop sing, how come you don’t even have dinner ready to be put on the table?” and hop sing said: “you never, ever thank me for making dinner.” well, paul was flabbergasted. he thought about it and he was right. he never, ever told hop sing how much he enjoyed the food that he put on the table for him and the boys. and he said: “hop sing, i’m flabbergasted. i think you’re right. i’ve never, ever told you how much i appreciated you putting food on the table, but it’s not because i don’t like your food, and certainly it’s not because i don’t like to have you cooking the food for me and the boys. so you see, hop sing, i’d be lost without you. you’re like my shadow in the afternoon. when i’m hungry and my shadow’s long, you’re there right behind me, taking care of me. and you know what? i’d never thank my shadow.”

dylan looked down at eric, then smiled, the silence finally feeling comfortable.

**Author's Note:**

> my columbine bro deleted their account so i can’t gift this to them but this is for u cinnamonrolldylan if ur still out there


End file.
